blog? what blog?

Blog? I don't have a blog... oh wait. Yes I do. Oops. Hi interwebs. It's been a long hiatus. But there have been some big changes in M world. None of which are job related of course. When I finally stop procrastinating about everything else in my life, I'll divulge more. I'm just glad I remembered the login for this website.

-M

:*(

Yesterday evening was a really hard night for me. I felt really lost and unmotivated and, quite simply, super depressed. This unemployed thing is really getting to me. I have lost my positive power and I don't know what to do. Things are not looking up and I just don't know how much more I can take. Listening to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" on repeat is not helping either, but it just suits my mood these days. It's making me think that maybe the career I'm trying to transition to and pursue is not for me. Maybe I'm more suited for something more simple like a shopkeeper. I feel so lost

-A

Trying Times

I've been meaning to post this for a month now, but just didn't have a chance to during our little hiatus. So here it is...

Last month was the Coachella Music Festival and I really wanted to go. In my non-money-making status, I wasn't really in a position to purchase $300 tickets to this 3-day concert, however amazing it was going to be. I felt a little pang of jealousy in my heart every time I heard it on the radio, heard somebody talking about going, or even saw someone wearing a T-shirt from years ago. I'll say it again, I really wanted to go!

So on a whim, I signed up to try to win tickets from a local radio station that was giving away tickets if you registered on their website. The chances were small, but I was going to try, darn it, because I wanted to go! As it turned out, I got a call informing me that I won! I was chuffed to bits to hear that I won! I was literally jumping up and down and screaming, I was so happy. I ended up having an amazing time and it wouldn't have happened if I didn't at least try to win the tickets, which is what can be said about job searching. So many times, I am so discouraged and just want to be a lazy bum and not look. The chances are so small; there are so many other people competing for the same job; nobody is hiring, etc. But we won't get what we want and nothing is going to happen if we don't work towards it and just try.

-A

Just let it be

This is what I've noticed: when I play tennis, my warm-up shots before the match are solid and nicely placed. Yet when I start to play the game, I get so conservative and hit floaters and shots down the middle. I get scared to lose the point and it affects the quality of my game. But when I don't care (like when I'm tired or hungry and all I want to do is end the match) I actually play better and go for the riskier corner shots - with, for the most part, consistent success. So I've been trying to convince myself not to try so hard, just let my natural ability come to play. Because when I start to think about it too much, it works against me.

This applies as well to work sometimes. Last week, I wrote about a horrible day (which kind of expanded to include the entire week) at my internship and I realized that part of the reason was because I was trying too hard. I was trying too hard to impress and thus over thinking things, which I think rubbed my supervisor the wrong way (which is another story with not so nice commentary, but not for this post). So I've decided to take the same approach at work as in tennis. I'm not going to worry too much about doing a good job and will just rely on my natural work ethic and skills, which I have every faith in.

-A

Library

The library is the greatest thing. I used to buy most of my books, but now that I don't have much discretionary income, I've found getting them from the library is just as great, if not better. If I don't like a particular book, I don't have to lament the $X I spent - I can just return it! This way, as well, I can purchase only the books I really enjoyed to fill my shelves. Also, the DVD section has some good and new selections. So check it out!

-A

Sleep

These past few days have reminded me just how precious sleep is and how I'm so grateful that during my time off, I am able to sleep an adequate number of hours per night. I've been helping M with her project recently and an early wake-up time is not a good thing for a night owl and acute insomniac like me. But I was happy to do it bc she is my friend and co-blogger - and I will be expecting rides to the airport for life! jk! I'm glad too that I don't usually have to wake up at an ungodly hour for any work, or even for my internship, and that I can still get a decent night's sleep when I go to bed at 3 or 4 am.

-A

frosty cold one

i didn't have one of these tonight... but i wish i did.

cheers.

-M

Emo

My goodness, today was a bad day for me. I started an internship recently, and I must say that I hate the first week of a new position. It seemed like nothing I did, was the right thing to do - it was so embarrassing! So I came home to watch a movie to take my mind off of things, but I was so emotional throughout it. Even though I've seen this movie many many times before, I still cried at every single tiny emotional scene. It was good to let everything out through this movie but maybe I should've chosen to watch a comedy...

-A :(

moment of zen

I shot this on my way to do my taxes. It was a nice moment before dealing with everyone's most dreaded annual chore. The good news it that this year the numbers worked out more in my favor than expected. Thanks Uncle Sam!

-M

Day o' Favorites

homemade wontons. skateboarding at the beach. smoothie. Moose Tracks ice cream.

-A

Earth Hour

Tonight I was quite tired, so I planned a lovely night in to watch movies. I did, however, stop my movie in the middle of it to participate in Earth Hour. I turned off all the lights, unplugged everything and sat in the dark. Luckily though, I still had my phone to keep me occupied (it uses battery so it's not consuming energy, right? right). It was nice too knowing that so many other people all over the world cared about the same issues and were doing the same thing as well.

-A

The Long Way

Tonight, a friend and I were deciding which way to take to get to our destination: the freeway, which probably would've been heavy with traffic, or the coastal highway, which was likely lighter on traffic but a slightly longer route. We decided to take the coastal route and we knew it was the right choice, simply for the fact that we saw the sun setting over the ocean.

-A

Taking flight

At the beach the other day, a flock of tiny little birds lined the water. They hopped along on one foot; waiting for the ocean to wash some tasty snacks their way. It was definitely strength in numbers. They depended on each other to look out for anyone or anything getting too close to them. If one decided to move north up the beach, one by one, they would all move north. If they could get closer to the breaking waves, they would all hop their way into the water. If one decided danger was too close, one would begin to fly and then they would all follow suit. They took cues from each other and trusted their next move within the group.

We all find strength in numbers. So here's to my flock: Thanks for letting me fly with you.

-M

Blurred Time

It's been a while since I've had to work with a deadline. I have to finish this project I'm working on in the next little while and I have to finish this book I've been reading before I have to return it to the library. This week has flown by because of these deadlines and the fact that I've been working at my part-time job a bit more than usual this week. Well, not so much because of the library book one but it seems like knowing that I have to read the book by a certain date somehow takes the pleasure out of reading my book. I'm making myself read a certain number of pages each night so that I can finish in time.

It's the same with this project I'm doing too. It probably wouldn't cause me such tension in my shoulders and stress and such if I didn't have a time stamp on it, making me work furiously into the night.

Deadlines seem to make time just fly, which seems like an oxymoron because I feel like I'm aware of each hour (bc it's one less hour) that I spend working towards these looming deadlines. It's made me appreciate the leisurely time we have to take things at our own pace and truly enjoy each hour as it passes doing whatever it is we are doing.

-A

Food

It's a bit sad the things I eat now that I don't dine out as much as I used to (I used to eat out at least once per day). I do not like to cook, so sandwiches, bagels and soup with rice have become staples of my diet. I really must be an abomination to anybody who likes to cook - or eat for that matter. For dinner tonight, I had a bagel with cream cheese and a granola bar. Yum yum

-A

paths

The other day the sky was crossed with jet contrails in almost every direction. It was almost like the sky was turned into white and blue plaid. All of these ghosted trails meant that thousands of people on their way to various destinations and don't even realize that they had intersected lives with so many others.

Who else do we cross paths with that we are completely unaware of?

-M

Service

I recently took a part-time job as a banquet server to help me get out of the house and interact with people (and the extra money isn't bad either). Though many times the server has a lot of influence over the dining experience, I find that it helps when people are in turn pleasant, friendly and courteous. It doesn't take much and it's definitely appreciated.

-A

spring!

You know it's spring when the $1.29 bunches of daffodils arrive at Trader Joe's.

-M

Marathon

Today the LA Marathon went right by my place, so I went out this morning to admire and envy all the runners, knowing that if I ever tried to run a marathon, I'd be like Simon Pegg's character from 'Run Fatboy Run' but without the injury. I was surprised to see how many people were there on the sidelines just to encourage the runners, clapping and cheering them on by name (their names were on their numbers). It was nice to know that people cared and were supportive of each other. I wish I had a crew of people to follow me around, cheering me on, because lots of times unemployment feels like a marathon and I'm only on Mile 2...

-A

Greystone Mansion

So I've been hearing about this place called Greystone Mansion a lot recently, so I took it as a sign that I should go and check it out. You can't go inside the actual mansion, but it's a really pretty place with lots of gardens and walking around is a bit like a maze. There seems to be all these paths you can take to explore. It's got great views overlooking the city too. And, definitely one of the perks, is that it's completely FREE! Woo hoo!

-A

Plain Vanilla

This ice cream post is not necessarily inspired by A's previous post. It is, however, inspired by a recent conversation I had with A. My topic for this evening is vanilla. Vanilla gets a bad wrap. It's seen as plain and boring. But I see it as classic and traditional. Everyone knows what cheap, basic ice cream tastes like. And there is a lot of bad vanilla out there. I had something at the Santa Monica Pier that was mascarading around as vanilla ice cream, but it was nothing more than some kind of frozen trans fat whip scooped into ice cream cone. These types ruin it for everyone. Somehow, people began associating us vanilla connoisseurs as being plain jane, and that we don't want the spice of life. Well, I do. And my spice is vanilla! Tahitian! French! Madagascar! All different kinds of vanilla! No one would fault anyone for saying that their favorite dessert is creme brulee. It's just a fancy name for vanilla custard people.

My point is that sometimes simple isn't always bad. Plain vanilla can be a complex, rich, creamy, buttery delight. It's pure and it's good and always beats your one note, chalky chocolate.

so there.

PS will someone PLEASE open a Culver's in Southern California?

-M

Ode to Ice Cream Cakes

The ice cream cake is one of the most marvelous creations. No matter if we are 6 (which is when I had my first ice cream cake) or 96, I think we should all appreciate the brilliance of it. It's like killing two birds with one stone! I will forever be grateful for whoever came up with this idea, because it brings me such joy!

Even though this is a shout out to ice cream cakes, I posted a photo of a wedding cake because IF I ever get married, my wedding cake WILL be made out of ice cream - and it will be tiered!

-A

Homey

Recently, I've been in a homey mood. I've been craving stews, and hearty meals. I can't seem to get enough italian food. It's strange because this is usually a phase for the fall and winter months, not spring and summer. But there is something about the warm, melty, saucy pasta dishes that make me all snugly. I have also been on the hunt for a cozy, old school italian joint that just welcomes you in fun, albeit cheesy, casual dining flare. I think this shot of the amber glowing glasses over the bar seems to perfectly capture the homey warmth I have been searching for. Thanks Luke!

-M

Enjoying the Day

Today was such an amazingly gorgeous day that I was so glad to be able to enjoy it outside.

-A

a sidewalk morning

This morning I took advantage of waking up early, and promptly took myself around the corner to my coffee shop. There, armed with my computer, I started working before I'm normally out of bed. I sipped my coffee while basking in the AM sun. I felt creatively alive again. It was a lovely way to start the day.

-M

Buona sera!

A few years ago, I started to teach myself Italian. I never made it past Lesson 10 because I got too busy with work. But now that I've got the time, I've decided to return to my studies and really give it a go starting today. A domani (see you tomorrow)!

-A

Why wait?

Today I went to Trader Joe's and stocked up on a couple bottles of what most people consider to be table wines. (even though it was a small step up from Two Buck Chuck.) When I went to pour myself a little happy hour, I felt like the wine was only on the grape vine yesterday. I mean, it was one step away from being Welch's white grape juice. But I still drank it, because hey, it was just a table wine, what did I expect? Well then it got me thinking... I know price is a concern, but why do we generally settle for mediocre to poor for everyday use? We save everything nice for special occasions. I do understand the logic; it makes these occasions more special when you bring out your best. But do I really want to wake up in 80 years knowing that 90% of the wine I drank in my life was crappy?! Maybe the solution is quality over quantity, and remembering that you don't always need the special excuse to bring out the good stuff. No one knows what tomorrow may bring, so why wait?

Skoal!

-M

Workspace

I'm slightly ashamed to say that this is my desk. I've never been one for a tidy desk, but I always know EXACTLY where everything is on it. It's very random the things you'll find on a desk, it's almost like a little treasure hunt. It's really just another surface to put things on, not so much a place to do work. Thank goodness for the kitchen table...

-A

Take a Hike!

Along with a ton of other people, I took advantage of this gorgeous day by taking a hike. I actually spent a good part of this weekend in bed (I somehow got a stiff neck! But at least I did some work in bed with my laptop today), but today it was just lovely to be outside. It's the one time in life when it's actually fun to concentrate, when the trail is a bit rocky and uneven, on my next step so I don't trip!

-A

While traveling

We have had a lot of rain in the southwest this winter. It has turned the desert green with spring. This shot was taken in AZ, somewhere between Phoenix and the CA border. I love the cloud shadows on the landscape.

-M

Animal Love

I went to a pet adoption place today, and playing with all the cats and dogs just made me so happy! It's lovely how much happiness and joy being around animals can give. Though I'm not ready at this time to have my own pet, being with them for a short amount of time is enough to lift my spirits up and enjoy the day a bit more.

This photo is not of a dog I saw today, but it's just a really funny picture that always makes me giggle.

-A

Good Fortune

Last night I had dinner next to Justin Timberlake. After eating my words from the previous blog, I opened this fortune cookie. At least the cookie believes in me. J Tims, if you are reading this, I think you are awesome. But I'm not enough of a super fan to interrupt your dinner.

-M

Pleasantries

Today I called someplace to ask a question and encountered a very unpleasant person. My oh my, within her first sentence to me it was clear that she did not like her job. She was such a Debbie Downer, that she even made me feel miserable. I was very close to telling her off, but I stopped myself for then I would be just as much of a wench for being horrible right back at her. It's like the complete opposite of what happened to me here. It's funny how such a small encounter between strangers can sometimes have so much impact. Even though I may be miserable in my unemployed state, I still like to think that I'm at least pleasant to others as it can really make a difference.

-A

Brief Hiatus and new beginnings

So you may or may not have noticed that I have been absent for about a week. While I was slightly unavailable because I was out of town for part of my brief hiatus, I also felt like I needed sometime to refresh. After A's computer had a melt down, and she was unable to post for a few days, I used it as an excuse to regroup myself. But here is the real reason I have been absent...

Last Friday, something happened to me that left me with a complete loss for words. (And that is truly what happened without trying to be overly dramatic.) LA is a place where the thought of meeting your idol while you're doing mundane tasks is not absurd. In fact, more often than not, if you are mildly interactive with the outside world, you will run into famous people on a somewhat regular basis. Unfortunately, more often than not, your star sightings include people and faces you may recognize, but ultimately they aren't anyone you really care about. They are still fun though. And of course, the unwritten LA rule is that you stay cool. You do not give direct or obvious eye contact, you do not talk to them, you do not take photos of them, and then you respectfully try desperately to nonchalantly whisper their name to your friend sitting next you, and then you play it cool. And you sure as hell don't say 'I'm a big fan, I love your work.' You would never want to be a considered a crazy fan, or lumped in with the TMZ paparazzi. After being in this town for a handful of years, I have seen my fair share of stars. But it wasn't until this past Friday that I actually allowed myself to react.

There I was, waiting for A to meet me at a Starbucks, when in walked my all time favorite musician. Musical genius was standing in front of me, waiting to order a coffee. I had already broken most of the rules. I stared. I smiled. I was probably gasping his name audibly. My hands were shaking. Then A walked in the door and was able to force me to get a hold of myself. As soon as I said the name she knew what was at stake. (She had heard me talk about his music plenty of times) I wanted to say something to him, but what? And how? I was frumpy and disheveled. Why would he want to talk to me anyway? I mean he just wants to get a cup of coffee and leave.

Then in the true spirit of this blog, and with the encouragement of A, I found myself getting up from my seat and walking over to him. With my hands shaking and no real thought in my head, I introduced myself. (I'll save the details of the encounter for my next post) After I had gone home that night, and even into the next day, I was completely high on my own courage. I was so proud of myself that I was able to break out of a shell and do something so completely uncharacteristic of myself that I couldn't sleep. I kept playing it over and over in my head and I kept thinking I could have said something better, or done something differently, because I had let opportunities like this slip away before. I once stood in an elevator with one of career idols; I mean they were the reason I am who I am today. But I didn't say a word because of a bunch of lame excuses, but mainly I lacked the confidence to just be open with someone like himself.

This blog, I hope, encourages people to be more open with each other and themselves, and while doing that we'll all be able to take in the world a little more wholly. I couldn't have gotten out of that chair if it weren't for A. She was there to push me to take the leap. I realize that saying hello to a celebrity is not an earth-shattering accomplishment. But if we all were a little less apt to stare at the floor and keep to ourselves all the time, maybe it wouldn't be such an intimidating act to tell someone what they mean to you or give someone a compliment. If your gut is telling you to do something, go out and do it! Don't wait around for someone else to tell you to do it! Just do it! But if they happened to be there at the time, and give you a little nudge, that's OK too.

Thanks, A.

-M

Respond!

I do not like people who do not respond to my emails in a timely manner. Especially when I know you're not working and so are definitely checking your emails. Especially when I'm waiting for a simple answer. I will not think you're a loser for responding so quickly.

-A

Ha Cha Cha! I'm Back!

Hello people! My computer is fixed, thanks to a new hard drive, so I'm back in action!

The good thing about not working is that I have the free will to choose when I do anything so to avoid such things as rush hour traffic or peak gym times. Today I went to the gym and, because I arrived right before it got really busy, took the last elliptical machine available. However, literally within one minute of scoring the most popular machine at my gym, I had to get off and choose another form of exercise. The reason was that one of the two people on either side of me, one slightly hairy older man and the other a girl who looked like she had been exercising for the past 3 days straight, was letting out a RANK odor (I'll let you be the judge of who you think gave out this horrendously foul stench).

It's always been my fear whenever a person gets off the machine next to mine that I am working up so much of a sweat that I'm driving them away. But after being on the receiving end, I am now vowing to wear deodorant whenever I go to the gym and think I smell even a tiny bit, or at the very least a little spritz of perfume (which actually works brilliantly).

-A

Stars

Hollywood has been preparing for the Oscars for the last week, an event held at the Kodak Theater on Hollywood Blvd. These retro stars hang on a sign over the Roosevelt Hotel; the original location for the very first Academy Awards ceremony in 1929. Now they look down the street to the modernized procession of glitz and glam held on the red carpet below. Above them are the FBI's sharp shooters. Welcome to a post 9-11 world.

-M

energies

Everyday I am aware of the fact that I am fully responsible for how I spend my time. I don't have a job pulling my focus from sunrise to sunset. What I do with my day is entirely up to me. It is wonderful and unnerving all at the same time. But one thing that keeps my attention everyday is this blog. The accountability of posting and connecting to you, the great internet void, is the hope that somehow the energy and positive thinking that A and I try to generate here will resonate with you. So thank you for allowing me to direct my attention and babbling thoughts toward something other than my laptop screen.

-M

Sharing

"A tragedy shared becomes less of a trauma and more of a way to experience a new and deeper emotion that can lead to a better way to live." -Michael Gates Gill, "How to Save Your Own Life, 15 Lessons on Finding Hope in Unexpected Places"

This basically sums up what starting this blog has done for me, and I (and I'm sure M would agree) really hope you, the reader, can also see this as a place to share your random thoughts on how you're enjoying, or not enjoying, this world, may you be unemployed or not.

-A

the little things

a special someone decided to surprise me with a little something special today. It included peanut butter m&m's and these lovely roses. So I guess my Monday was pretty good.

-M

Focus!

I find myself getting so distracted whenever I have to work on a resume. It takes me so long to work on one and I always find myself going online doing something else. For instance, I just spent 45 minutes on facebook! I know I should just buckle down and get it done. Even now, I'm writing this blog to procrastinate working on my resume!

-A

On My Path

The other day, I seriously considered going into a completely different field of work, one that would even require me to go back to school – lots of school. But then I reminded myself that I'm following my heart and that I set out to accomplish something (switch careers), knowing that it would be difficult (‘one must take the rough with the smooth’), and if I don’t complete it, I’ll always be wondering, possibly with regret. So I’m going to remind myself not to lose focus, that unemployment is not forever, and it just takes time to find the right job.

-A

Up Close

I sometimes drive by this really cool building that's covered with these little tabs that flutter about when the wind blows. It looks like the wall is moving. Yesterday, I had the opportunity to walk by it and look at it up close, marveling at how many tabs there were. So many little pieces to make one large one.

-A

Signs

Reminders on every corner... we are not alone in this.

-M

Daydreaming

I forgot to post yesterday, I guess my head has been in the clouds. Not because of any real joyful news, but because I have my hands in a lot of different projects at the moment. I am still working on that schedule for myself. By the way... I took this photo an hour ago when it was beautiful and sunny. Now it is raining cats and dogs. El nino!

-M

Temporary Side Effects Include...

I hope unemployment doesn't leave me permanently jaded, bitter and disenchanted.

-A

Support group

I took this photo the other day when I was driving. Probably not the wisest choice, but I saw these adorable little guys walking hand in hand and I pulled out my camera. The little guy in the red was teetering back and forth, clearly not used to walking at such a quick pace, but he was able to keep up because of the help he had on either side. He trusted that they would hold on and keep him upright if he stumbled. Today I had a couple of friends hold my hand, and I am very grateful for their help. Sometimes we all need a little extra support along the way.

-M

Life Seasons

"Sometimes in life seasons don't come in order; instead of fall, winter, spring, summer, we get three winters in a row. But that doesn't mean spring won't come eventually." - Kelly Cutrone

-A

Doors

“When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” - Alexander Graham Bell -

This post is dedicated to a certain someone who may have had a door close today, but I promise another will open.

-M